Reader Laura A. posted the following response to Jim’s slush week round-up:

There were a lot of places where the agents seemed to want more information, and yet we’re always advised to keep queries brief. I’ve also read that agents don’t want you to give too much away – just give them enough information to want to keep reading. I realize it’s a fine line to walk. Perhaps if you do this again, you could address those types of questions regarding length and how much of the plot-line you should include.”

Laura A. makes a good point, and at Jim’s suggestion, I’m happy to address the “Be brief/Not enough information” conundrum. First of all, while I cannot speak for all agents, I have no inherent objections to long-ish query letters. In fact, I just received a terrific pitch letter for a novel in the vein of Donna Tartt’s Secret History. It stretches, beautifully and unabashedly, over the better part of two pages, and I read every word. And just as soon as I finish this blog entry, I will request the manuscript.

On the other hand, I sometime receive queries that are just a few lines long:

Dear Ms. Papin,

I am looking for an agent to represent a work of literary fiction, a coming-of-age story of a young woman who overcomes abject poverty to succeed—both against all odds and on her own terms. Kindly let me know if I may send you my manuscript.

This letter is correct. It is certainly concise. It is also devoid of any detail that might pique my interest. A pitch letter is a space to showcase your talents, and you are well served to take advantage of it. Give yourself some room to maneuver (or enough rope to hang yourself, as the case may be) find an elegant summation of your story, deploy an original turn of phrase. Don’t hide your light under a bushel.

As for the nitty gritty: take a page from journalism 101 and be certain to establish the who, what, when, where, why and how of your story. In prose as clean and effective as you can make it, give me the set up. Lay out the setting, characters, primary conflict, and give me a sense of the pace and the tone. Is the ending a surprise twist? Thereafter, turn your attention to the two additional “w’s” of book publishing, namely: the “who cares?” and the “why you?” Establish your readership—will your novel appeal to fans of Carl Hiassen or Jodi Picoult, Chang Rae Lee or Dennis Lehane? If you are writing non- fiction, who is your target market? Why are you uniquely suited to write the work at hand?

Resist the impulse to describe the book in its entirety. Few things are harder to write than an interesting synopsis—indeed, I’ve read grant proposals that are more compelling. You’re describing events, not the mood or the logic of the story, and asking your reader to accompany characters whom they don’t yet care about on adventures they don’t entirely understand can be deadly.

I tend to agree with Jim that modeling a query letter on flap or back cover copy is a helpful exercise. Jacket copy, like a query, is a selling tool, one that aims to capture the interest of its reader. Flap copy may be written by an in-house copy department or the book’s acquiring editor, in either event, it’s instructive to note the plot points a house chooses to include and those they decide to omit, as well as general the approach they take to selling a given project.

That’s not to say that flap copy is the gold standard. Once you start reading enough of it, you’ll come to spot stock phrases (“Tour de force” is a good example.) Leave these out. Ditto showy phrases that convey little actual meaning—“a story as luminous as it is unforgettable.” In fact, scrubbing your letter of clichés, literary or otherwise, is probably a good idea. And above all, be interesting. Banal is as damning as badly written.

And then bear in mind that even if you do craft a great letter, sometimes it’s the subject—and indeed, the necessary subjectivity of this business–that’s the problem. For example, while I am interested in the history of religion, I don’t represent Christian-themed books. Nor am I the agent to represent any one of the dozens of rebuttals to Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins that I have been pitched. I also like to believe I have a sense of humor, but apparently my taste in fiction runs to the mostly humorless. Madcap and zany are not my cup of tea. So even a well-tuned pitch for a quirky caper novel is unlikely to win me over—though I’ll never say never. In the service of excellent writing, I’m happy to be wrong.

So kids, did we learn anything from Slush Week? We hope so! Obviously, the subject of query letters is one that makes some authors very tense. I noted a touch more hostility among our commenters than ever before! And I understand. It’s an enormously frustrating process. Even from this vantage point I can see that. Hopefully, though, the exercise helped to further demystify the procedure at least a touch. Here’s what I consider the takeaway:

–For those who weren’t sure, the final tally was 6 passes and 3 requests: Jane, Chasya, Miriam, Stacey, Michael, and I would have passed. Jessica, Rachel, and Lauren would have requested more.

–There’s a lot of okay happening: That was a solid representation of what our inboxes actually look like. One we sort out the queries that make terribly obvious mistakes like addressing us by the wrong names, we’re left with a lot of queries that are very…okay. I can’t remember who said it to me all those years ago when I first hit the slush pile, but: “If it isn’t a yes, then it’s a no.” There’s no “maybe” option with unsolicited queries. We request things, or we don’t. And with the volume that’s coming in and the number of clients we already have, there often isn’t the chance to consider material if you’re waffling after the query. So often you won’t be turned down because you’ve written a bad query but because you haven’t written one that’s great. It’s a fine line but a crucial one.

–Compare yourself to other authors, but not all of them: There was a touch of confusion about our recommendation to compare yourself to other authors, particularly when Miriam had just said not to compare your work to “canonical titles.” “Canonical” is the key word there. We want to know who of today’s authors you’ll be shelved with. The comparative titles should give us an idea of the type of work you have and who you see your audience as. Once you start getting into the classics, well…it’s dangerous territory. You can compare yourself to great writers working today—let’s say you’re writing a novel from multiple point of views that you say is reminiscent on Colum McCann’s Let the Great World Spin. That’s bold, but I’d be on board if the writing bore it out. But if you tell me you’ve written the next Anna Karenina, my response will be, “Oh, realllllllllly?” Keep it contemporary, and don’t be a braggart. Be careful about comparisons to massive bestsellers: comparing your book to successful authors who aren’t the most obvious choices (as in, not Dan Brown) gives us a stronger sense of what sort of book you’re writing and also shows that you really do know your category—not to mention that you’re less likely to be comparing yourself to the same author as everyone else in the slush pile.

–Be straightforward: you want to give us enough information to want to read more. As Jessica pointed out, it could take two single-spaced pages to do that. More often, it does not. Give us a snapshot of what your book is in the most concise way possible while still focusing on what makes it stand apart. It’s a taller order than it sounds, but it is the recipe to success.

–This is subjective: I was surprised when I saw that Michael suggested not to make your query sound too much like cover copy as I’ve given quite a few workshops at conferences where I told people to study just that copy and use it as a model for how to frame a query. That, in itself, is probably enormously frustrating to authors. But the truth is, there’s no such thing as a perfect query, and people respond to different things. It IS a subjective business. Remember that just because one person doesn’t have a positive reaction to your work doesn’t mean the next won’t.

–There are no right answers, only wrong ones. Bottom line: you can screw up a query by being too boastful, rude, silly, gimmicky, or underinformed. Once you’ve avoided all of those things, you have to rely a bit on kismet—whether your letter hits the right person at the right time, whether it sounds like something they think they can sell, if anything too similar has hit their slush pile on the same day, if they already have a project that would compete with it.

At the end of the week, what I can say is that we honestly are looking for those books that break out of the slush pile and grab our attention. The query itself is, as a commenter noted, simply a means to an end. You want to convince us that we want to read more, and we honestly do want to be convinced. So as frustrating and unnerving as the process is, do keep trying.

Any lingering questions still unanswered? Did you feel like you learned enough for us to do this again down the road?

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

Dear (Agent’s name),

Cleopatra Giancarlo is different from your average twenty-something career girl. For one thing, she knows when people lie because she can see the truth in their shadows. For another, she doesn’t use her power for good. Or evil. After repeated failures to help others, she mostly just uses it to get deals at Bloomingdale’s. She fears what the government would do if they discovered her ability, yet she longs to find out if there are people like her out there. If there’s anything more she could be.

She gets her wish when two strangers whisk her away from her old life and introduce her to the world of suprasensors. John Arlin and Samantha Grooms represent an organization called YuriCorp, one of many privately-owned firms that employ supras like Cleo to increase their profit margin. Any of these firms would be thrilled to have Cleo on staff, and their methods of recruitment aren’t always friendly.

But even in the world of supras, Cleo doesn’t get to be normal. Her new boss wants her to go undercover and seek traitors in the company ranks. Her new friends know what she can do and how to work around it. And her new assignment might end up with her in a coma–or worse.

The Whole Truth is a 100,000 word paranormal women’s fiction with a mouthy heroine who finds out people are people even when they can bend spoons with their brains. I’ve got an MFA in creative writing and am published in (titles/publishers/genres redacted for Slush Week purposes).

Thanks for your time, and I look forward to your response.

(Author’s name)

Dear (Agent’s name),

Cleopatra Giancarlo is different from your average twenty-something career girl. For one thing, she knows when people lie because she can see the truth in their shadows. For another, she doesn’t use her power for good. Or evil. (This kind of rhetorical set up is a bit too common and doesn’t feel fresh to me.) After repeated failures to help others, she mostly just uses it to get deals at Bloomingdale’s. (This, on the other hand, works for me. I found it funny without being too cute. It’s where the author first gets my attention.) She fears what the government would do if they discovered her ability, yet she longs to find out if there are people like her out there. If there’s anything more she could be.

She gets her wish when two strangers whisk her away from her old life and introduce her to the world of suprasensors. John Arlin and Samantha Grooms represent an organization called YuriCorp, one of many privately-owned firms that employ supras like Cleo to increase their profit margin. Any of these firms would be thrilled to have Cleo on staff, and their methods of recruitment aren’t always friendly.

Interesting premise. It’s hard to write paranormal that doesn’t sound like a million other books, but this manages to stand out.

But even in the world of supras, Cleo doesn’t get to be normal. Her new boss wants her to go undercover and seek traitors in the company ranks. Her new friends know what she can do and how to work around it. And her new assignment might end up with her in a coma–or worse.

The Whole Truth is a 100,000 word paranormal women’s fiction (This makes me wonder why the author doesn’t call it paranormal romance, since paranormal women’s fiction isn’t really a category people usually refer to. Is the author trying to separate herself from romance or not doing her research or what? From a shelving standpoint, most paranormal is going in one of three places: romance, fantasy, or children’s. Women’s fiction typically goes in general fiction. Categories may be somewhat artificial, but it pays to know where you fit.) with a mouthy heroine who finds out people are people even when they can bend spoons with their brains. I’ve got an MFA in creative writing and am published in (titles/publishers/genres redacted for Slush Week purposes). (Without the actual info here, it’s tough to say how relevant the credentials are, but if they’re not especially impressive, keeping it brief would be good. For instance, Pushcart Prize nominations must be quite nice for the author, but the sheer volume of them and low bar to entry mean they don’t really help us discern potential in a query. It sounds like in this case, the author planned to keep it brief and just state the facts, which is good.)

Thanks for your time, and I look forward to your response.

(Author’s name)

I’m not desperate to get my hands on it, but I’d have requested it for the Bloomingdale’s line combined with this being a category I’m looking for and a premise that doesn’t remind me of every other query I’ve read today. Truth be told, I’d probably only have skimmed the rest once I saw that line and just asked for material–probably 50 pages since I’m not blown away, but I’m intrigued enough to find out more.

Thank you to everyone who participated in Slush Week by (bravely) sending in their queries and commenting on the posts! It’s been fun and we hope informative!!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

Dear (Agent’s name),

Before she was F. Scott Fitzgerald’s muse, seventeen-year-old Zelda Sayre was a mischief maker in her childhood town of Montgomery, Alabama. Known for wearing flesh-colored bathing suits and staying out late with boys, she caused her daddy some real grief.

Flirting with boys and breaking their hearts was a daily occurrence for Zelda. Until she met Scott. He was a handsome lieutenant on base near her hometown. With one dance, Zelda was in love with him. But Scott was transferred to a different base, and love letters helped their romance. After an on-again, off-again courtship, they were finally married.

And although their marriage was fun, darker things ran deep underneath the surface, like Scott’s obvious alcoholism and the beginning of her schizophrenia. Growing up seems like a boring task and Zelda never thought she’d have to do it. But she can’t stay a child much longer, can she?

My YA historical fiction, GOLDEN, is complete at 80,000 words. The full manuscript is available if requested. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Dear (Agent’s name),

Before she was F. Scott Fitzgerald’s muse, seventeen-year-old Zelda Sayre was a mischief maker in her childhood town of Montgomery, Alabama. Known for wearing flesh-colored bathing suits and staying out late with boys, she caused her daddy some real grief.

This query opening is quick to the point and sets the reader up nicely.

Flirting with boys and breaking their hearts was a daily occurrence for Zelda. Until she met Scott. He was a handsome lieutenant on base near her hometown. With one dance, Zelda was in love with him. But Scott was transferred to a different base, and love letters helped their romance. (This could do with some elaboration. How did love letters help their romance? Did it need help? Was Scott in love with Zelda? The writer only says Zelda was in love with Scott, making it sound like a one-sided romance.) After an on-again, off-again courtship, they were finally married. (This is vague. This is only a query letter, but I’d still like to see some more specific information. Their relationship isn’t standing out from other relationships here and this is problematic considering this is fiction.)

And although their marriage was fun (“Fun” doesn’t sound like the right word to use here. Maybe “carefree”, “enjoyable”?), darker things ran deep underneath the surface, like Scott’s obvious alcoholism and the beginning of her schizophrenia. Growing up seems like a boring task and Zelda never thought she’d have to do it. But she can’t stay a child much longer, can she? (I was a little lost here. The author explains Scott’s alcoholism and Zelda’s schizophrenia, then explains Zelda needing to grow up. The author needs to be clear why Zelda needs to grow up here. It didn’t make sense to me while reading.)

My YA historical fiction, GOLDEN, is complete at 80,000 words. The full manuscript is available if requested. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is tricky. It sounds as though this novel tracks Zelda through her teen years and beyond, into marriage. That makes me wary of how it fits into the young adult market, especially knowing where the story is going. Because this is a known story and an unusual choice of subject matter, the writer needs to compare it to something else that is successful in order to put the reader’s mind at ease and demonstrate a knowledge of the market they’re writing for.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Thanks again for participating in Slush Week!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

We’ll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:

Dear (Agent’s name):

An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.

Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. When the orb, with its power for time travel and shape-shifting, summons him and Athena to rescue Shakespeare from the Tower of London, Jared leaps at the chance to show his mettle. 

Jared’s quick-thinking springs Shakespeare from his cell. But things go awry when Shakespeare returns with Jared to Oregon, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century in the guise of Good Queen Bess. Worse yet, Jared’s sixth-grade enemy steals the orb. Now Jared must use both his skateboard and his love of “Star Wars” to retrieve the orb and rescue Athena, before she becomes the Queen of England. Permanently.

Shakespeare on the Lam is a middle-grade adventure, complete at 28,000 words.
I follow the blog on your agency’s website and see that you are looking for adventure middle-grade for boys, so I believe it might be a good fit for your list. I am enclosing a sample chapter, as stated in your submission guidelines. I’m also querying other agents.

I am a member of SCBWI and Willamette Writers. My short story, “Carlito’s Question,” won 3rd prize in the 2009 Kay Snow Awards competition, sponsored by Willamette Writers. Shakespeare on the Lam is my first novel.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Dear (Agent’s name):

An imprisoned poet. A mysterious orb. And one mega-dose of snotty older sister, named Athena.

One of the issues I see most often with queries is when they try to be flap copy. This pitch is a little too cute for my tastes. I’d combine the above with the first sentence of the next paragraph, which will get us to the point sooner.

Twelve-year-old Jared Ahern’s got all three on his plate. (And that’s not counting the orb’s vicious inventor, trapped in a time sump.) (I get worried when I see parentheticals in query letters. With how little room you have in a one-page query, the information is either important or not. If it’s important, take it out of the parentheses, if it’s not, delete it entirely.) Jared desperately wants to pry himself out from under Athena’s shadow and get some adulation of his own. (After hearing that Athena was a snotty older sister, I was surprised to hear that she’s so well-liked.) When the orb, with its power for time travel and shape-shifting, summons him and Athena to rescue Shakespeare from the Tower of London, Jared leaps at the chance to show his mettle. 

Now I’m confused. Where did this orb come from? How did it get in his possession? I think I need some more information chronologically to follow what’s going on.

Jared’s quick-thinking springs Shakespeare from his cell. But things go awry when Shakespeare returns with Jared to Oregon, leaving Athena stranded in the sixteenth century in the guise of Good Queen Bess. Worse yet, Jared’s sixth-grade enemy steals the orb. Now Jared must use both his skateboard and his love of “Star Wars” to retrieve the orb and rescue Athena, before she becomes the Queen of England. Permanently.

Again, I think this is a bit too cute. I’d rather a more straightforward description of the book. The sell is just too hard for my taste.

Shakespeare on the Lam is a middle-grade adventure, complete at 28,000 words.

I follow the blog on your agency’s website and see that you are looking for adventure middle-grade for boys, so I believe it might be a good fit for your list. (This is good! I like when people reference things I’ve said. And this is true. And, maybe the query should have led with this information. I’d be more inclined to take a look if I knew off the bat that the author had done his homework.) I am enclosing a sample chapter, as stated in your submission guidelines. I’m also querying other agents.

I am a member of SCBWI and Willamette Writers. My short story, “Carlito’s Question,” won 3rd prize in the 2009 Kay Snow Awards competition, sponsored by Willamette Writers. Shakespeare on the Lam is my first novel.

We like to see what your affiliations are, and I know that both groups attract high-quality writers, but I think the small competition and 3rd place finish mean you should leave out that information. Let me know if you’ve won, or if you’ve received a mention in a big competition.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Thanks very much for taking part in Slush Week!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

We’ll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:

Dear (Agent’s name):

My dad made his living off people’s inability to keep on living.

Dad, who called himself Digger O’Dell, was the gravedigger and cemetery
caretaker in small-town Waseca, Minnesota. Death was our family business,
and I spent long summer days in cemeteries. I wandered graveyards, reading
names off tombstones and wondering about the people in the ground. I
absorbed the stories and images of those who had gone before me: a mother
and her six kids killed by a train, a rosy-cheeked 15-year-old girl, a
county sheriff shot on duty.

Yet, as I write in my memoir, We’ll Be the Last Ones to Let You Down, a
strange silence about death pervaded our lives. A large divide existed
between working with death each day and actually understanding grief. Dad
and Mom were no strangers to mortality-they bought their own giant tombstone
in their early 40s, and they knew death intimately through the loss of loved
ones. But in this stoic Midwestern place, our stories were not ours to tell,
and I sought answers and explanations through the stories of others. After
my dad died from a fast-growing cancer when I was 15, the silence in my
family grew exponentially. But I realized that just as the stories I grew up
with kept the dead alive, words would be the only way to prove that my
father walked this earth. Our stories must be ours to tell.

Eight excerpts from my 68,000-word memoir have been published in print and
online literary journals. A short chapter earned first place in creative
nonfiction in the 2009 Missouri Review audio competition. Another chapter
was selected runner-up for the 2006 Bellingham Review Annie Dillard Award
for Creative Nonfiction. It was published in the Spring 2007 issue and
subsequently nominated for a Pushcart Prize. My memoir earned me a spot in
the competitive mentorship program at The Loft writing center in Minneapolis
in 2007-08, and I also received a Jerome Travel and Study Grant for my
creative nonfiction work.

I spent seven years as a journalist for a small daily newspaper. I have
written more than 20 nonfiction books for children, and I teach journalism,
English, and history at the college level.

I would be happy to send you a book proposal, sample chapters, or the entire
manuscript. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you
at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Dear (Agent’s name):

My dad made his living off people’s inability to keep on living.

Nice first line.

Dad, who called himself Digger O’Dell, was the gravedigger and cemetery
caretaker in small-town Waseca, Minnesota. Death was our family business,
and I spent long summer days in cemeteries. I wandered graveyards, reading
names off tombstones and wondering about the people in the ground. I
absorbed the stories and images of those who had gone before me: a mother
and her six kids killed by a train, a rosy-cheeked 15-year-old girl, a
county sheriff shot on duty.

Again, nice details. Colorful, unusual childhood-obviously one that lends itself to musings on mortality, grappling with big questions.

Yet, as I write in my memoir, We’ll Be the Last Ones to Let You Down (Great title!), a
strange silence about death pervaded our lives. A large divide existed
between working with death each day and actually understanding grief. Dad
and Mom were no strangers to mortality-they bought their own giant tombstone
in their early 40s, and they knew death intimately through the loss of loved
ones. But in this stoic Midwestern place, our stories were not ours to tell,
and I sought answers and explanations through the stories of others. After
my dad died from a fast-growing cancer when I was 15, the silence in my
family grew exponentially. But I realized that just as the stories I grew up
with kept the dead alive, words would be the only way to prove that my
father walked this earth. Our stories must be ours to tell.

Although the writing is engaging, here’s where I start to worry. What, precisely, is the story? Where is the narrative arc? Memoirs chronicle actual events, but they must be as carefully constructed as any novel. The narrator will perhaps break the silence that surrounds death, but what does this entail? Presumably, the painful and sudden death of her father is central to the action, but what actually happens? What keeps the pages turning? What is the engine driving the “plot”? Is the struggle to reclaim and tell our own stories solely an inward one? Over what period of time does this take place? The author’s quest to prove, through narrative, that her father “walked this earth” smacks ever so slightly (and to me worryingly) of writing-as-therapy, a distinctive strain in memoir. While I do not make light of the powerful process of recording one’s one story, it seems to me that only a tiny percentage of such efforts are suitable for a broader audience. The truth is, there are more worthy tales than buyers for them, and at some point, we need to remember that publishers take on projects that they believe they can sell.

It seems to me that a memoir needs to succeed on three levels:
1) The story itself must be pretty remarkable, the dizzying number of personal narratives that have been published in the past 15 years means that the bar has been set high, or low. So many of these memoirs have underperformed that for the most part, publishing houses regard the life stories of non-celebrities as a difficult sell.
2) In addition to being extraordinary and specific, the particulars of your individual story must speak/be relevant to a larger readership. You need to engage the universal, make it clear why folks who don’t know and like you should care about your story.
3) The writing. If it’s good enough, and I mean superb, revelatory, inventive, true, with a voice that is distinctive and winsome and real, well then…other rules may or may not apply.

Eight excerpts from my 68,000-word memoir (Hurray! It’s compete and not overlong. My heart sinks when I read my memoir is “complete at 150,000 words.”) have been published in print and
online literary journals. A short chapter earned first place in creative
nonfiction in the 2009 Missouri Review audio competition. Another chapter
was selected runner-up for the 2006 Bellingham Review Annie Dillard Award
for Creative Nonfiction. It was published in the Spring 2007 issue and
subsequently nominated for a Pushcart Prize. My memoir earned me a spot in
the competitive mentorship program at The Loft writing center in Minneapolis
in 2007-08, and I also received a Jerome Travel and Study Grant for my
creative nonfiction work.

Here I sit up and take notice. Even if I have only a hazy idea of what this memoir is about, and wish that the author had thrown in a comparison title or two to show me that she knows the market, these credentials mean that I will certainly give the author the benefit of the doubt.

I spent seven years as a journalist for a small daily newspaper. I have
written more than 20 nonfiction books for children, and I teach journalism,
English, and history at the college level.

Again, all to the good. This is someone who has honed her craft. My concerns about writing-as-therapy are receding.

I would be happy to send you a book proposal, sample chapters, or the entire
manuscript. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you
at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

On the whole, I’d request to see this.


Thanks for sending it in!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

We’ll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:

Dear Mr./Ms. (Insert Agent’s Name),

Life is tough, but Natalie MacKenzie is about to find that it gets a whole lot tougher when your stepsister is a succubus.

After Natalie is accused of burning the high school science wing to the ground (without anything more explosive than a pencil and paper), her father finally tells Natalie the truth: her mother wasnt human. Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities.

The only thing that makes the idea bearable is that her parents allow her stepsister and best friend, Olivia, to join Natalie and the other students for a two week tour of the country. On the way, Natalie and Olivia fall for the same guy, David, and when he chooses Natalie, Olivia makes a deal to become a succubus, which gives her power to have any guy she wants.

And she wants David.

Its up to Natalie to figure out how to use her fire abilities to rescue both Olivia and David–assuming that the other elements let her live that long . . .

My Stepsister is a Succubus is a young adult contemporary fantasy novel with 70,000 words. Although I have not yet published a novel, I have sold two magazine articles to the Ensign magazine. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Dear Mr./Ms. (Insert Agent’s Name),

Life is tough, but Natalie MacKenzie is about to find that it gets a whole lot tougher when your stepsister is a succubus.

I really like this opening line. It gets right to the point and draws the reader in.

After Natalie is accused of burning the high school science wing to the ground (without anything more explosive than a pencil and paper), her father finally tells Natalie the truth: her mother wasnt human. Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities.

It’s very important to edit your letter carefully. Mistakes like “wasnt” instead of “wasn’t” really stand out. Also the paragraph loses the reader and begs some questions. It’s a big leap from “her mother wasn’t human” to “Her father and stepmother decide to ship her off to a special school in Turkey where she can learn how to control herself and her fire abilities.” Wait, what fire abilities? And if her mom wasn’t human, what was she? And what’s the special school, and why Turkey? This section needs to be reworked.

The only thing that makes the idea bearable is that her parents allow her stepsister and best friend, Olivia, to join Natalie and the other students for a two week tour of the country. On the way, Natalie and Olivia fall for the same guy, David, and when he chooses Natalie, Olivia makes a deal to become a succubus, which gives her power to have any guy she wants.

How old is the protagonist? You should include that information. How old is Olivia? It’s unclear how Olivia becomes a succubus, and who does she make a deal with? Fill in the blanks with clear, concise information.

And she wants David.

Its up to Natalie to figure out how to use her fire abilities to rescue both Olivia and David–assuming that the other elements let her live that long . . .

Is the fire her only gift? You might come up with a better description than “fire abilities” which you already used above. What is she rescuing Olivia and David from? Important to specify. And what are the “other elements”. Again, clarify.

My Stepsister is a Succubus is a young adult contemporary fantasy novel with 70,000 words. Although I have not yet published a novel, I have sold two magazine articles to the Ensign magazine. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Title, which I like, should be in all caps or italics to stand out. Good to describe it as a “young adult contemporary fantasy” and give word count. You might say instead of “Although I have not yet published a novel” something like “Although this is my first novel, I have articles published in Ensign magazine.” If you think you have any additional relevant information about your interests or background that speaks to this book or your writing, you could share it here to flesh the section out just a bit, not more than a line or two.

Also, it might be helpful to have a better sense of where you see this fitting into the marketplace, and if it compares to other books you love.
Finally, you should offer the reader a writing sample, and if you know the agent you are querying has represented a book or books you like, definitely let us know that. It helps to see writers who have done their homework, and can cite books on our list, and it really makes a query stand out from the competition. If you choose to do this, I’d recommend including it in the first paragraph of the pitch to grab our attention.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

 
Thanks so much for being a part of Slush Week!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

We’ll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:
 
(Dear Agent:)

I would like you to represent, The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism.

The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of Richard Bunbury, a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive nature.

While living in Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a devout Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if he exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in disastrous and shocking consequences.

Beginning with the murder of an imaginary homeless man and progressing to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship, Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. As Richard Pavlovian-ly predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson, but as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan gets sloppy. Richard fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople, causing the reader to learn that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price.

The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love and inhumane manmade divisiveness. In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange, The Catcher in the Rye, and Fight Club, this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love?

My book will be of broad public appeal in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. Our readership will vary from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct.

This is a multiple submission. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors.

(Closing, Author’s Name)

(Dear Agent:)

I would like you to represent (This is an awkward opening. I prefer something more artful. Like Jane, I think that opening a query with “I” is not a good idea unless you’ve got a really eye-catching sentence that will get my attention – e.g., “I am a serial killer.” Or “I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.”) The Price of Blasphemy, a complete 62,000 word work of up-market fiction and social realism.

The novel is told as a first-person narrative, throwing the reader into the tumultuous mind of Richard Bunbury, a charismatic and volatile agnostic who is determined to live a simple, Monticello-inspired lifestyle by operating a charity that aims to impede America’s divisive nature. (This sentence is wordy, overstuffed with adjectives and tells me very little; I am not at all drawn to Richard from this description.)

While living in Washington D.C., Richard falls in love with Dawn, a devout Christian attorney who specializes in non-profit law. Incompatible faiths eventually create a fissure between the unlikely pair. Dawn begs Richard to convert, but he refuses, arguing that her God, if he exists, is passive and weak. Angered and outraged by Richard’s blasphemy, Dawn abruptly brings the relationship to an end. When the fury caused by his broken heart mixes with his preexisting (yet dormant) mental instability, Richard lashes out, which results in disastrous and shocking consequences. (This is overwritten and full of throw-away hyperbole. Instead of a straightforward description of the plot, there’s too much emotional editorializing about motives. Less is more when offering plot summaries.)

Beginning with the murder of an imaginary homeless man and progressing to leasing, insuring, and converting dilapidated Bible Belt churches into satanic places of worship, Richard is out to prove his theory that God is passive, while exploiting the Christian religion in order to acquire his personal Monticello. As Richard Pavlovian-ly predicts, the rural communities of North Carolina unknowingly facilitate his scheme with their helpful acts of arson, but as Richard’s sanity continues to crumble, his plan gets sloppy. Richard fails to account for the media’s outrage and the anger of the local townspeople, causing the reader to learn that drawing the ire and contempt of a pious following carries a steep price. (Right about now, I’m really lost. The premise comes across as far fetched and the themes raised seem impossibly ambitious. Nothing about the writing here makes me think the author will be able to pull off something this complicated.)

The Price of Blasphemy explores themes of love and inhumane manmade divisiveness (Another throwaway phrase. Awkward and clunky.). In the tradition of A Clockwork Orange, The Catcher in the Rye, and Fight Club (As a rule, comparing one’s work to canonical titles is a recipe for disaster. You’re setting yourself up against very stiff competition and stacking the cards against yourself from the get-go.), this novel is deeply probing and begs the question: Which is more godly, faith or love?  (Frankly this makes the book sound high minded and deadly boring. Let your reader decide what the issues. If you’re a skillful enough writer, your agenda will be inferred instead of hitting the reader on the head with a skillet.)

My book will be of broad public appeal (I’d rather know what particular audiences this might appeal to because there is no such thing as a work of literature that everyone loves) in that it offers the fervor of controversy, true love, and a fragile protagonist who is a talking looking glass, representing the society of yours and mine. Our readership will vary (do you mean “range”?) from those with an appreciation for a touching story with clean, fluid prose, to those desiring to relate to a voice that shares feelings of isolation and an uncontrollable instinct to self-destruct (this sentence lacks effective parallel structure).

This is a multiple submission. If you are interested in reading the manuscript, I would love to give you the exclusive opportunity over an eight week period. (I don’t know about you, but when someone tells me they are going to give me a deadline for something, I’m already moving on to the next thing. It’s okay to tell me the material is out with other agents but how about “I appreciate your time and I look forward to hearing from you.”)  Thank you for taking the time to help me pursue my literary endeavors.

(Closing, Author’s Name)

Thanks very much for participating in Slush Week!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

We’ll start with the query on its own, then the response after the jump:

Dear (Agent’s name):

When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.

Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home. Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country. As she struggles with the dark secret about her role in Kate’s disability, Elisabeth discovers that it’s not Kate’s future that needs saving, but her own.

Spared is a 76,000 word work of Women’s Fiction about finding the right way just before it is lost forever. This is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.

(Author’s name)

Dear (Agent’s name):

When Elisabeth Starr was five years old, there was a day that changed everything, an irreversible moment that tore apart her family and sent her life and her sister’s life in two very different directions. For twenty years she has held on to the secret of what truly happened.

This opening feels kind of awkward to me, particularly “there was a day that changed everything.” There’s a bit too much happening in the first sentence. The element of mystery that you’re trying to convey here could be more dramatic if the opening were a bit shorter and structured differently. For instance: Elisabeth Starr was only five years old on the day her life changed forever. In an instant, everything she knew would be torn apart, etc.…

Now, returning to her childhood home in Western Massachusetts, Elisabeth learns that her mother plans to send her developmentally disabled sister, Kate, to an adult home.

This is not the first mention of her sister but the first mention of her condition. That threw me for a bit of a loop and I had to go back and reread this sentence. I’m also assuming this is the same sister, but is there a way to better clarify? Also, why is Elisabeth returning home? We don’t really know anything about her at this point and little more information might sell me on her character.

Determined not to let this happen, Elisabeth decides to take responsibility for Kate’s future and, together, they embark on a spontaneous road trip across the country.

Again, I feel as though this adventure could be conveyed in a more exciting way. The action she takes here is a pretty dynamic one, and the sentences should reflect that for the maximum effect. This feels a bit flatter than a description that could grab my attention.

As she struggles with the dark secret about her role in Kate’s disability, Elisabeth discovers that it’s not Kate’s future that needs saving, but her own.
 
I’m not sure that the trauma that Elisabeth has experienced should be held off until the end of the query. This is one of the more interesting elements, but it’s buried.

Spared is a 76,000 word work of Women’s Fiction about finding the right way just before it is lost forever.

Good to mention the word count. Be careful about capitalization; genres should be lowercase. I’m not entirely sure the tag line accurately sums up the rest of the query for me. What does “the right way” mean? We don’t really have enough information to put that into context. Perhaps something more descriptive would serve the query better here.

This is my first novel.

Good, we like to know as much info as we can about your publishing history.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission. I look forward to hearing from you. 

(Author’s name)

Thanks for being such a good sport and partaking in slush week!

(For details on Slush Week, see Chasya’s introduction.)

Let’s all take a look at the query on its own first, and then I’ll break it down with my comments inserted after the jump!

Dear SLUSH WEEK SUBMISSIONS,

Half-Angel, Half-Demon, Alexsi Marks must balance the war between Heaven and Hell, without losing her soul in the process…

For Alexsi, life is challenging, if routine, until the night a demon tries to kill her. Finding out about her parentage is a shock, but learning she has both demonic and angelic magic opens the door to truth and shadows. When her friends are attacked and her apartment cleaned out-the jerks even took her damn cat-Alexsi has no choice but to follow the mysterious, alluring James and flee to the Sanctuary, a haven for those with angel blood. It doesn’t keep her safe from her dreams, however, or the sexy demon Declan from trying to seduce her. Alexsi faces distrust and anger on all sides, leading to a challenge beyond the gates of Heaven, or Hell. She must overcome those trying to kill her, while walking a fine line between her good side and her wicked one.

WHERE ANGELS TREAD is an Urban Fantasy complete at 99k words. I am a finalist in the Houston RWA chapter’s 2010 Emily Award, Paranormal Romance category. My memberships include RWA, FFnP, Online Romance Writers and my local chapter Desert Rose, as well as East Valley Writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included XXX per your submission guidelines.

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)

Dear SLUSH WEEK SUBMISSIONS,

Half-Angel, Half-Demon, Alexsi Marks must balance the war between Heaven and Hell, without losing her soul in the process…

I have a few concerns about this opening. I question the capitalization of “Angel” and “Half-Demon,” and the ellipsis bothers me: it feels gimmicky. Just use the period. We know there’s more to come. My bigger concern is with “must balance the war between Heaven and Hell.” What’s she balancing the war with?

For Alexsi, life is challenging, if routine, until the night a demon tries to kill her. (This sentence feels a little clunky. First, starting with “life is challenging, if routine” doesn’t really tell us much. It feels a bit like filler. Try something like, “Alexsi lives a normal life until the night…” or “Alexsi’s life becomes challenging the night…”) Finding out about her parentage is a shock (finding out what about her parentage? We can guess she’s discovering that her parents are an angel and a demon, but that isn’t actually stated), but learning she has both demonic and angelic magic opens the door to truth and shadows (“the door to truth and shadows” could be a lovely metaphor, but it’s a little vague here. You’re working under such space constraints. Why not just tell us: “Alexsi learns that she is the offspring of an angel and a demon and possesses the magical abilities of both of her parents.”). When her friends are attacked and her apartment cleaned out-the jerks even took her damn cat-Alexsi has no choice but to follow the mysterious, alluring James and flee to the Sanctuary, a haven for those with angel blood. (Who is James? How did she find Sanctuary? Are her friends attacked because of who/what Alexsi is? The biggest challenge in queries is deciding which information to share. You’re parsing so much material into a paragraph. You really need to focus on clarity and making the story as understandable as possible. I feel like you’re trying to focus on the exciting elements here, which makes sense, but you’re letting that get in the way of comprehensibility). It doesn’t keep her safe from her dreams, however, or the sexy demon Declan from trying to seduce her. (Again: more questions than answers here. Is Declan IN her dreams? Is she concerned about her dreams on a metaphysical level, or are there actual physical threats to her IN her dreams? In urban fantasy, it’s so tough to know exactly what the rules are—it makes queries even more challenging, I know!) Alexsi faces distrust and anger on all sides, leading to a challenge beyond the gates of Heaven, or Hell. She must overcome those trying to kill her, while walking a fine line between her good side and her wicked one. (These last two sentences are great, but I don’t know at this point why she’s facing distrust and anger, who is trying to kill her and why, or what ways she is trying to walk this fine line. Sometimes you can tell us more by telling us less. I’d focus on reworking this paragraph with the goal of clarity in mind. In these last two sentences, I get a sense of the feel of the book, but because the description coming beforehand was confusing, I don’t have as much of a sense of the actual content. In my opinion, the best queries focus more on getting across very general details with extreme clarity than on getting as much information in as possible.)

WHERE ANGELS TREAD is an Urban Fantasy complete at 99k words. I am a finalist in the Houston RWA chapter’s 2010 Emily Award, Paranormal Romance category. My memberships include RWA, FFnP, Online Romance Writers and my local chapter Desert Rose, as well as East Valley Writers.

Perfect. Appreciate that it’s just the facts here and shows a seriousness and dedication to your writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included XXX per your submission guidelines.

We do love it when people follow the guidelines!

Sincerely,
(Author’s name)